You can tell A LOT about a person by their google search history. So I am going to give you a peak into Rachel Hanes during engagement... it probably looked a lot like this!

Besides those occasional moments when I remembered that God created the whole earth and He could probably handle my wedding; I was worried about every detail especially how I would look on my wedding day. I wanted to look perfect and I wanted the day to be perfect. Believe it or not, I had a hard time admitting that reality to myself.

Deep down I knew things wouldn't be perfect and that striving for perfections was going to leave me unsatisfied and disappointed. I think I just desired for someone to tell me how to cope with my anxiety, but it wasn't an anxious feeling I was proud to tell people about. I didn't lose my job, or get diagnosed with an illness, or even worry about marrying the right man. I was anxious about one of the happiest days of my life... who really has sympathy for a bridezilla??

More specifically, I was anxious about not being perfect. I ONLY GET ONE SHOT AT THIS OKAY! I didn't allow myself any grace from the pressure I put on myself.

I believe one of the main reasons why my fixation on diet and exercise increased during engagement, other than wanting to look perfect, was because I enjoyed the control. I craved more control because I felt like I was losing it in other areas of my life. Things were about to change pretty drastically. Even though I knew Beck was the one I wanted to marry, I was still overwhelmed with the fact that I was making the biggest decision of my life. This boy, this commitment, this change! But no pressure, right?

I asked two women to share some of the challenges they faced during engagement. I cried after I read their responses because they are sharing exactly what I needed during my own engagement and exactly what I wanted to share with you. Brooke is my sister-in-law and she'll hug you so hard it seriously hurts. I think that describes her so well. She, like Beck, loves shamelessly and fierce! She cares deeply for others and you know that instantly. And Whitney.. the time I've gotten with Whitney I can see why her reputation precedes her. When you're with her you feel comfortable and valued. She was the first to come to mind when I thought of this post and I know that was purposeful.

Brooke, what brought you the most anxiety about your wedding and why?

When I think back to the months leading up to my wedding, I think about the joy that was coursing through my veins at all times just thinking about becoming Anthony’s wife. I was constantly distracted with daydreams of our lives together, of waking up next to him, or falling asleep in his arms. Yet, I also think about the stress I felt. I had waited my whole life to be married. I had not waited my whole life for a wedding, so the planning felt daunting to say the least. I wanted so badly to have a GREAT day, and honestly, I wanted it to be perfect. I was drowning in anxiety over the day being everything that I wanted it to be. I found myself very frustrated with everyone dismissing my stress by saying, “even if things go wrong, you will still be married at the end of the day!” To which I wanted to say, “You’re so right, do you want to pay for this day then? Even better, would you like to play God and give me back the only wedding day I’ll ever have if things go wrong?” Luckily I am a saved woman, and this response that I wanted to give back, did not leave my wayward mind. The fact of the matter is, I think it is totally fine to want things to go well and go smoothly; we will never have another first wedding day with that spouse. Our family and friends have taken time out of their busy lives, some have traveled hundreds and thousands of miles, and you want them to feel comfortable, and heck, have a little fun! However, if we become consumed with perfection, and use that as our guideline for how much we enjoy the day, or call it a success, I think we run the risk of absolutely robbing ourselves of the memories and joy that our wedding day lavishly gives us. Balance, once again is our best friend.

Whitney, how did you cope with anxiety about your wedding night?

My wedding night was a night that I had dreamed of and dreaded at the same time. Didn't know those two could be in the same sentence about this topic? Well, they could for me. I was constantly swinging back and forth from joyous excitement to overwhelming fear. Ask my friends....they will tell you that I LOVE to talk and learn about sex, but when it came to my wedding night, I didn't even know how I was going to walk out of the bathroom!!! Why? Because I struggled with having the perfect body for several years, and the thought of being the most vulnerable with a part of myself that I didn't think was perfect was absolutely terrifying. As much as I anticipated my wedding night for my entire life, the enemy constantly told me that my body wasn't "good enough" or "pleasing enough" for Zach. To me, he had the perfect body, and I never could match up to that. Over time I realized I was idolizing perfection. Not only did I desire to have the perfect body, but I placed Zach on a pedestal of having the perfect body. Perfection isn't reality. It was a difficult process coming to terms with that, but Zach and I had many conversations about it as we prepared for our first night together. Even after all of the preparing...God, in His divine ways, did something truly incredible. On our wedding night and throughout our marriage so far, God has used my new husband to provide healing in that area. Zach hasn't magically fixed me, but the Lord has shown me His infinite grace, love, and affirmation through marriage and the intimacy He blesses us with. God began to heal the longing for perfection in my heart on our wedding night. Now, instead of feeling self-conscious and uncomfortable when Zach touches my tummy, I feel loved and secure. God can heal hurt in the least expected times and ways.

Brooke, what advice would you give a bride obsessing about looking perfect on her wedding day?

When it comes to stress, I am the opposite of a stress eater. I am a stress starver. When I am stressed, I am almost completely void of any appetite. Couple that with the extreme pressure that I put on myself to look perfect for my wedding day, and it was not a great combination! I kept thinking about all the angles that pictures would be taken from, that people would be staring, and that most of all, I wanted to be so fit and toned, that there were no problem areas that I was worried about on that day. This even dictated the dress I chose. I made sure I had one that gave me plenty of grace across my stomach! If I could give advice to a bride, I would first say, what you are feeling is totally normal. It’s okay. You don’t need to feel guilty that you want to look great and feel great on your big day! However, I can’t remember one moment during my wedding day, or wedding night, in which I was focused on my body. In a normal day, I constantly fight thoughts, and have a running list of critiques in my head about my body. Yet your wedding day is so full of joy, so full of loved ones, and of moments you will remember for the rest of your life, that you don’t think about how flat your stomach is, or crap! is my double chin appearing in this picture?! If you surrender yourself to the day, the worries that usually control our thoughts are nowhere to be found. So, as your are obsessing before your wedding, take heart that it’s all in vain. Instead, take that head-space and spend it praying for your future marriage, praying for your future husband, and praying for the wife that God has called you to be. I don’t think it’s wrong at all to give it your all in the gym, eat healthy, and work towards feeling good about your body for your day. But obsessive thoughts are a waste of your precious time, and a distraction from your engagement season. You will never get being engaged back! You don’t want to waste it worrying about something that you won’t even think twice about on your day.

Whitney, what do you wish you would have known then then that you know now?

One thing I wish I would have known is that planning and "strategizing," if you will, every move for your wedding night makes you feel more stressed and worried! I constantly would think...HOW am I going to walk out of the bathroom? WHAT am I going to say? Should I take my hair down or leave it pinned up? Should I take my makeup off? In my case, NOTHING went as planned. I thought I would take my time taking a bath and getting ready...no. In all honesty, I was eating cake with my hands in my wedding dress, hurrying to pack last minute things, had crazy hair, and guess what...no bathtub or mirror so I didn't even know what I looked like when I walked out of the bathroom. But I wouldn't change one thing about that night. In my opinion, it was our perfect wedding night!!

Brooke, what do you wish you would have known then that you know now?

There are so many stigmas about being a “bridezilla,” that I was honestly scared to have too many opinions about my day. I felt like if I had the “right” focus for that day, then I wouldn’t care about the color of the tablecloths, or what flowers were in my centerpieces. It was as if I equated caring about the small details as less Christian of me. I wanted to be the perfect “bride-to-be.” I wish that I would have known that it is OKAY to have opinions, especially ones that are different than family members. I wish I had more confidence in myself to know that I am not a bridezilla, and that wedding planning is an honor and something to have fun with, not dread with tears and a glass of wine every night! There were very few moments in which I let myself enjoy the planning process. Instead of memories and fun to be had with my fiancé and bridesmaids, I saw checklists that only reminded me of how behind I was or what I could not afford. I allowed the stress and anxiety to suffocate the joy and gratefulness that I could have felt. I wish I would have known to have fun, to make memories out of each step in planning, and let go of this ideal “bride-to-be” that I thought I needed to be. The Lord is in all seasons with us, and wedding planning is just another season in which we get to celebrate and partner with One who loves us dearly.

Whitney, what advice would you give an anxious bride?

For any anxious bride, I want to encourage you to stay in prayer with the Lord and make your time with Him a priority. There were many times when I was caught up in the small details that really didn't have much significance in the big picture. But when I would spend time in the Word and in prayer, God refocused my attention to the greater picture...The eternal significance of making the martial covenant with Him and with Zach.

Truth is freedom.

We don't deserve a perfect wedding. We don't deserve a perfect anything. Let the imperfections that will exist on that day be a reminder of the perfect God we serve. We need a constant reminder of WHO perfect is, not what perfect is.
God has so much more for us than idolizing perfection. He gives us freedom to experience the imperfect and relish in his perfect love.

My general advice for you in making your diet and exercise choices during this season: Don't skip meals, feed your body real whole foods, and don't exercise if you need to rest. I'm not giving you another pinterest meal plan to follow.
I'm asking you to surrender control so you can experience freedom.

Just one more thing..

As Beck was reading over this post I asked if he wanted to contribute anything. And then this happened. This is from my precious husband, Beck:

"Rach asked that I step in and give a rugged, manly perspective on this so buckle up. I want to talk specifically about the engagement and how Rachel's experience and struggles affected us. First of all, we had a great wedding. Engagement was tough but it wasn't all bad. We absolutely had some great times and continued to grow. This is just some inside perspective.

Rach and I were certainly ecstatic about getting married, and like I said my love and affection for her was growing daily. But I will be honest and say engagement wasn't my favorite season. Just to be clear I’m going to put it at the very bottom. Cool? First of all... 9 month engagement? Get that out of my face. I don't wish that upon anyone with my personality type (or just any human). So I was probably a little emotionally disconnected in the first place (which is how I cope with things that I'm excited about that are a long ways off, just pretend they aren't happening). Now, I grew up with 2 older sisters so I’m familiar with unexplained and incomprehensible emotions from the women species that do not make sense to me. But I could not, for the life of me, figure out why Rachel didn’t think her body was awesome and was stressing about it. I also know she is her hardest critic (and I’m super biased and her biggest fan), but we were on totally different planets about this. To me, it honestly felt like a waste of time to be worrying about it (this is where the compassion came gushing out). I also have this ongoing struggle of wanting our moods, attitudes, and general feel to be happy and not sad. So when Rachel would be visibly upset or stressed I just wanted that to go away, and it not be the topic of our conversation. I got to the point where I didn’t even want to talk about the wedding, which I realize most guys probably start there, but it was a little deeper for me. I just got tired of seeing her so distracted. I saw her stressed out, I saw her cry, I saw her joy being stolen, and it frustrated me (back to me wanting everything to be okay). I couldn't relate to her.

Ultimately, what I didn’t see was the immense pressure this day carried for her, and I thought I did! I'm not stupid, I know the wedding comes with stress. I just thought it was about everything going right, which in my mind was a non-issue. We would deal with that either way and as long as there wasn’t a Rachel-shaped hole in the church door before we said “I do” it was going to be a good day (and by the way, when you tell them this it doesn’t help for some reason). But it was about much more. It was about us only getting one shot at this, one wedding for our whole lives, and one wedding night. Which I can see in her mind she wanted to be perfect for, but she couldn’t see that in my mind she already was. I knew she wanted to feel confident in her body and "look good", who doesn't? But I was just so excited to see her body, and knew how obviously beautiful she was, that I didn't see or understand the struggle she had with that. So, instead of pursuing, praying for, and talking with her about it on a regular basis, I chalked up her behavior to “normal pre-wedding stuff” and spent the rest of my time trying not to break anymore bones before the wedding day. We probably spent a good bit of our energy stuck in a round about of her being stressed, and me being frustrated that she was stressed. I needed to lead in preparing us for after the wedding, and also genuinely viewing the wedding day for what it was. Our public declaration of our commitment to God and each other in front of our friends and family, and then an amazing celebration to follow.

And that is exactly what it was, and it was awesome. We could have just probably saved ourselves some headaches beforehand!

It is a good lesson though: we aren't perfect people. We don't handle things perfectly. And we can't plan on a perfect day. But we can trust that God will bring us joy in the imperfections and that He will honor a devoted heart. I am thankful for Rachel and I’s engagement and how it reminded us of our need for a constant and perfect God, and that focusing on anything but him this side of heaven wouldn’t be perfect or satisfying."